The Hard Truth About Comic and Toy Geeks

Back in 2004, Chris Rock recorded his Grammy-winning Never Scared album and HBO special in Washington, D.C. He spent some time joking about relationships and women in particular, but when I listen to his jokes, I can't help hearing the whining voices of comic fans and toy collectors instead. And since it's Chris Rock in the video, it's probably not safe for your office.


Just substitute collectors or fans for women and tell me you don't hear a familiar tune. Any rational fan who takes time out of his/her day to talk toys on the interweb will soon begin to suspect that those of us who actually enjoy our hobby are in the minority. And forget about comic book fans, who so often come off more as detractors than fans. I'm not so sure that the guys and gals having fun really are a minority, but the people having anything but fun are certainly loud enough to drown out everyone else at times. The hard truth about comic and toy geeks is that many are more interested in collecting reasons to complain than collecting, you know, comics and toys.

Why did DC kill so-and-so? They're always killing my favorite characters! I hate this shit!

Why did Marvel bring so-and-so back to life? Why can't they leave dead characters dead? I hate this shit!

Why are there so many different covers that I don't even have to buy? They're so greedy. I hate this shit!

Why do I have to buy so many books just to keep up with the continuity? I can't afford all this. All they care about is money. I hate this shit!

Why do they release so many books that don't affect the larger continuity? I don't want to read anything that's not important. I hate this shit!

Why does Hasbro reuse so many parts and release so many repaints I'm in no way obligated to purchase? I hate this shit!

Why doesn't Mattel make more new characters with existing tooling? I hate this shit!

I went to the store and some scalper had already bought all the new figures. Why can't they leave some of what they want to buy and got to first for other people? I hate this shit!

Why doesn't my comic book store have more back issues? I don't want to look at toys and statues. I hate this shit!

Why does my comic book store waste so much space on back issues? I'll buy trades if I want to read old ass stories. I hate this shit!

Why is so-and-so writing Superman? He doesn't know how to write Superman! I hate this shit!

Why is this web site covering independent titles? I'm not interested in books that aren't about superheroes. I hate this shit!

Why doesn't my store always have what I want in stock when I walk into the toy aisles? Hasbro and/or Mattel suck! I hate this shit!

Why does Hasbro short-pack the army builders? I'm sick of never finding the twenty of one figure that I want at the first store I check. I hate this shit!

Why does Hasbro put so many army builders in one case? I'm sick of seeing them clogging up the pegs. I hate this shit!

Why do Mattel's figures have so little articulation? I can't put my toys in ballet poses if the toes aren't articulated. I hate this shit!

Why do Hasbro's figures have so much articulation? All these joints are confusing me. I hate this shit!

Why doesn't Mattel pack more accessories with their figures? Why can't we get a little value for our money? I hate this shit!

Why does Hasbro pack so many accessories with their figures? They come with more than they can hold or carry. I can't stand having display options or getting more value. I hate this shit!

Why is this artist drawing Batman? His style is too cartoony. I hate this shit!

Why is this artist drawing X-Men? Her style is too realistic. I hate this shit!

Why is what I want a convention exclusive? Why can't I get all the same things everyone else gets without so much as getting off my ass? I hate this shit!

Why does Hasbro charge so much for new vehicles? I'm waiting for these to go on clearance before I buy them. I hate this shit!

Why doesn't Mattel make more vehicles for the few of us who will actually pay full price for them? I hate this shit!

Why do toys cost so much now? Why should I have to pay for the rising cost of labor and materials? They should eat that and make less profit. I hate this shit!

Why aren't these toys painted and assembled perfectly every time? They should all be made in America without increasing prices. I hate this shit!

Why was my favorite comic that I illegally downloaded every month canceled? I hate this shit!

Why is my favorite action figure line ending five years after the final episode of its corresponding cartoon aired? I hate this shit!

And so on, and so on, and so on, ad nauseam.

So You Want To Talk Toys On The Interweb

Really? Are you sure about that? What are you, some kind of masochist?

Look, if you insist on proceeding, I can't stop you. You're free to make your own decisions, despite being cautioned against this activity. If you're determined to do it, though, at least familiarize yourself with this glossary of words you'll need to know. Sooner or later, you'll be glad that you did. Please note that these definitions are specific to members of toy-related interweb forums. If I provided you with the actual, correct meanings, this guide wouldn't do you a bit of good in your toy board adventures.

• "AFA" - Or Action Figure Authority, a scam masquerading as a thorough and complicated grading service for action figure collectors, designed only to rob them of their money and taunt the "real" collectors who open their toys.
  
  
• "Bender" - Remember how "real" collectors remove all of their toys from the packaging? This is the realest of the real, the guy who bends cards in retail stores so fake collectors who keep figures carded won't want them.
  
  
• "The Children" - Strategic contrivance employed to induce guilt. "You bought more than one of that figure? What about the children?" "Why is Hasbro/Mattel/Target/Wal-Mart/whatever selling these for so much? What about the children?"
  
  
• "Death" - The inevitable result of anything deemed unsatisfactory by the individual using the term. Usually expressed as, "death of the line."
  
  
• "evilbay" - Disparaging term for eBay used by people who feel entitled to anything and everything for retail price, despite the secondary market value determined by actual demand.
  
  
• "feebay" - Disparaging term for eBay used by people who think the pennies eBay charges for exposing their wares to an entire world of shoppers is too much money.
  
  
• "Greed" - Adjective used to describe any action that would add more to one's collection than the individual using the term deems appropriate or generate profit from the sale of a toy. See "Scalper" and "Hoarder." Also applied to manufacturers after rising costs of materials and labor result in MSRP increases on those companies' products.
  
  
• "Hoarder" - Anyone who acquires more of something than the individual using the term wants for his/her own collection.
  
  
• "Internet" - A series of tubes used exclusively to bitch, whine, moan, complain, and throw tantrums.
  
  
• "Kids" - Young, small humans who are only interested in playing video games. Toy manufacturers don't know what they're talking about when they say these kids account for the overwhelming majority of action figure sales. Adult collectors know better than professionals who do actual research; those collectors know THEY ARE LEGION.
  
  
• "Loose" - The only acceptable method of displaying any action figure.
  
  
• "MOC" - "Mint On Card" describes an action figure that was never removed from its packaging by the phony collector who purchased it.
  
  
• "Nerd rage" - Used by some of the few rational, level-headed people who frequent such web sites to describe the hysterical fits thrown by contributors who often use the other terms found on this list.
  
  
• "Opener" - The "real" collector who opens all of his toys, as anyone who leaves anything in a package is inherently inferior and should probably die in some excruciatingly painful manner.
  
  
• "Prototype" - This word is used incorrectly by the overwhelming majority of collectors at least 100% of the time to describe any action figure from any stage of production prior to the factory run that actually spits out the retail figures.
  
  
• "Rape" - Any attempt to sell a toy for a price considered unreasonably high (which means anything above retail) by the individual using the term. This can also be what is done to one's childhood when licensed characters are reimagined for modern adaptations. Sensitivity to victims of actual sexual assault is not to be expected.
  
  
• "Scalper" - Anyone who buys something the individual using the term wants for him/herself, but is currently having difficulty finding, regardless of whether or not the purchaser intends to resell it. Used by Toy Trotskyists who find the most basic principles of capitalism offensive and/or inconvenient.
  
  
• "Theif" - Anyone who sells a toy on eBay for more than retail price. See "Scalper." Despite what you may have learned in English class, the plural form is theifs, as in, "I often get raped by eBay theifs." In the never ending battle to mangle the language, this is used by people who never grasped, "I before E, except after C."
  
  
• "Value" - Never more than original retail price. Anything else is "rape."