You Are Easily Entertained

I could be talking about lots of people right now, from the millions who watch American Idol (or any other "reality" show) every week to the people who keep prattling on about how great Avatar is. I could be talking about the few zhlobs who are still willing to admit they loved The Matrix, or I could be referring to the masochists who keep buying tickets to Brett Ratner and Roland Emmerich movies. They're not the subject of this post, though. I'm talking to you today, the genre animation fan.

Yes, you. The fan who settled for The Batman after nearly a decade-and-a-half of Batman: The Animated Series, Superman: The Animated Series, The New Batman Adventures, Batman Beyond, Justice League, and Justice League Unlimited. Now you're on the internet trying to convince people that Batman: The Brave And The Bold is a quality series. Deep down, I think you really know better. Even though you say it's a "fun" show, I think you realize how bad it is, even if you won't admit it (not even to yourself).

And yes, I'm also talking to you, the Transformers Animated fan. I guess you were just desperate for anything that even resembled the Robots In Disguise you remember from the '80s after that disaster of a "film" Michael Bay delivered. Look, I get it. I've been there before. I've known the abject disappointment that comes with being a huge fan of a particular property that gets butchered by some hack with studio backing. Tim Burton's Batman, anyone? It doesn't mean you have to embrace something that happens to not suck quite as hard and pretend like it has any real merit. You hear any Detroit Lions fans talking about how great the team was in 2009 because they didn't lose every game? No, you don't. That's because even Lions fans aren't as self-deceiving as you.

And yes, I'm talking to you most of all, G.I. JOE: Resolute fans. Talk about drinking the proverbial fucking Kool-Aid. A preview was shown in San Diego, and the clip included some actual violence. You were so excited! It was announced that this new web series would be a more grown-up JOE, and you could barely keep your panties dry. Warren Ellis was announced as the writer, and there was much rejoicing. And then Resolute was released, bit by bit, on the internet before airing in its entirety on [adult swim], and...

It was boring. It was weak. It was tired, stale, and unoriginal. It was nothing special. In fact, it was pretty goddamn bad. But you just couldn't admit it. Why? Are you living in denial? No, you're just easily entertained. And that's okay. Lots of people enjoy subpar entertainment, but you haven't even figured out that you're one of them. In fact, you go out of your way to convince yourself (and everyone who will pay attention to you) that you're not. That is where you're in denial. You keep going on and on about how "great" this stuff is, the amazing "quality" of the writing (which was absolutely the worst of Ellis' career), and how it was, "stunning," "groundbreaking," "brilliant," and several other adjectives (these were pulled from actual comments across various sites) that have no business being associated with this piece of shit.

Because that's exactly what it was, a piece of shit, at least in terms of storytelling. And there's a trend here, one that reaches deeper than simply cartoons based on popular characters from toy lines and comic books. That trend is Sam Register. I knew he operated under the assumption that animation has to be dumbed down for the lowest common denominator in order to appeal to children, but I didn't know he felt the same way about adults until I saw Resolute. Rather than reject this notion when your intelligence was insulted with this garbage, however, you did those of us who appreciate top-notch fiction with our animation a tremendous disservice by not only accepting it, but actually lavishing praise on this halfhearted effort.

So not only are you easily entertained, but you're also bad for the medium, and that's the real shame of the matter.

Sam Register Dooms All Hope For DC Animation

I somehow missed this last week, but Warner Bros. Animation has given Sam Register a full-time job title as "Executive Vice President of Creative Affairs". What does that mean?

Quote: Register will oversee all development and production for the studio's toon wing, which aims to reinvigorate its operations to produce series and other content for TV, online and direct-to-video platforms. Register reports to (Peter) Roth, and will also work closely with the Warner Premiere direct-to-DVD division.

Awful. Seriously, just awful. It really shouldn't be a surprise, though, considering the way studios keep throwing cash at music-video-cameramen-turned-movie-directors like Michael Bay and Brett Ratner. Why would animation be any different?

Sam Register Dooms All Hope For DC Animation

How About A Corner Office At Soyuzmultfilm For Sam Register?

Because Russian kids are, according to the country's Communist Party, stupid.

Quote: "What galls is how together with America we defeated Hitler, and how we sympathized when Bin Laden hit them. But they go ahead and scare kids with Communists. These people have no shame," said Viktor Perov, a Communist Party member in Russia's second city of St Petersburg. The comments were made at a local Communist party meeting and posted on its Internet site www.kplo.ru... "Harrison Ford and Cate Blanchett (are) second-rate actors, serving as the running dogs of the CIA. We need to deprive these people of the right of entering the country," said another party member, Andrei Gindos... "Our movie-goers are teenagers who are completely unaware of what happened in 1957," St Peterburg Communist Party chief Sergei Malinkovich told Reuters. "They will go to the cinema and will be sure that in 1957 we made trouble for the United States and almost started a nuclear war." "It's rubbish... In 1957 the communists did not run with crystal skulls throughout the U.S. Why should we agree to that sort of lie and let the West trick our youth?"

Look, Ivan, if your "youth" are stupid enough to believe the events depicted in the new Indiana Jones movie are historically accurate, then you've got much bigger problems on your hands than letting them see our evil Western propaganda movies. Like, you know, that whole being dumb thing. Then again, looking at your party's web site, I'd be lying if I said I was surprised that your kids are idiots. I mean, if you can't even find one competent designer in all of Mother Russia to make your "official" site look any better than that, what hope do your dumbass spawn have? Seriously, kids who take basic, introductory HTML courses in our community colleges can do better than that, and you even had the advantage of an out-of-the-box PHP software as a head start. What, is Photoshop a wicked tool of the capitalist pig, or something?

But I have good news, comrades! We have just the guy for your dimwitted youngsters, an American animation producer by the name of Sam Register. He specializes in dumbing down content for the most dense of offspring, and we kind of owe you one, anyway. After all, you gave us the brilliant Genndy Tartakovsky, so how about a swap? You take Register, and we'll call it even. Hell, take his new Batman cartoon, too. I'm sure your intellectually-challenged brats will love it.

How About A Corner Office At Soyuzmultfilm For Sam Register?

Sam Register Thinks Your Kids Are Stupid

Shortly after it was confirmed that The Batman would not be returning in the fall, Warner Bros. Animation sent out a press release last week to announce a new Bat-series, Batman: The Brave and The Bold, which had already been rumored for a couple of months.

Quote: Batman isn't going at it alone this time! From Warner Bros. Animation comes the latest interpretation of the Batman franchise. Our caped crusader is teamed up with heroes from across the DC Universe, delivering nonstop action and adventures with a touch of comic relief. Blue Beetle, Green Arrow, Aquaman and countless others will get a chance to uphold justice alongside Batman. Though still based in Gotham, Batman will frequently find himself outside city limits, facing situations that are both unfamiliar and exhilarating. With formidable foes around every corner, Batman will still rely on his stealth, resourcefulness and limitless supply of cool gadgets to bring justice home.

So for those hoping this would continue the continuity established in The Batman, the "latest interpretation" bit would have shot down any hopes of that. Having never been a fan of The Batman, this would have to be an improvement, right? Wrong. Check out these character designs:



Different people have said it reminds them of different things, but what immediately came to my mind when I saw it was this:



That's the Batman figure from Mattel's Super Friends line, toys aimed at very young children ("3+"). Also, have a look at the cover art from the first issue of Super Friends, the Johnny DC title, "based on the hot toy line from Mattel," according to DC Comics. The similarities are obvious and many.



Mediaweek says, "the half-hour series Batman: The Brave and the Bold promises to be a more lighthearted throwback to the Batman of the 1960s and '70s, before The Dark Knight franchise turned the cowled crime fighter into an angst-ridden existentialist." So why is Batman being reduced to a goofy, grinning schmuck, reminiscent of his appearances on The New Scooby-Doo Movies? Because the guy behind the show has a very low opinion of your little boys and girls.

Quote: Batman: The Brave and the Bold is a 30-minute animated action/adventure created by Warner Bros. Animation and executive produced by Sam Register.

Sam Register was Senior Vice President of Original Animation for Cartoon Network (he now has a first-look development deal with them, as well as a development and production deal with Warner Bros. Animation), and he's responsible for taking what was once one of the most respected categories in the medium (the cartoons based on DC Comics superheroes), and turning it into a joke. Teen Titans was the beginning, transforming the 1980s Marv Wolfman reboot into an Americanized-anime mockery. Only a small handful of episodes could legitimately be described as "good"; most of them were barely watchable. Despite Register's idea that a series must be written for the lowest common denominator to attract a sizable young audience, the show's ratings could never top Justice League or Justice League Unlimited, the series Register believed too complicated for "six-, and seven-, and eight-year-olds". Oops. "Everything really needs to make sense in the story," he said. See? He thinks American kids can't follow Justice League Unlimited. Hell, he doesn't even think the youngsters are bright enough to grasp the concept of a superhero's secret identity. "Again, that's for clarity for the kids. We're not doing alter egos. They walk around town in their suits. They go to movies dressed as superheroes. Everyone sees them as superheroes. They go to a party as superheroes. They're superheroes full time." Despite all the publicity and promotion it received, Teen Titans' first DVD release, "Divide and Conquer" (six-episodes), was outsold by "The New Kid" (also six-episodes), the first DVD release of Static Shock. "The New Kid" didn't have nearly the marketing power to drive its sales, but this was a show decidely not written down to kids. Double oops.

Amazingly enough, Register sold Warner Bros. on another DC series, this time bringing The Batman to Saturday mornings, and even managing to have restrictions imposed on the Justice League Unlimited staff. What a guy with such a low opinion of kids' intelligence is doing working in cartoons is beyond my understanding, but there he was, pushing his sanitized version of Batman into the rotation. The Batman brought about a "reimagining" of the Penguin as a portly master of martial arts, the Joker as a hunching, barefoot, and red-eyed acrobat who sports weird, anime-inspired hair and bounces off walls, Poison Ivy as a high school student and friend of Barbara Gordon, Clayface as a former GPD officer and Bruce Wayne's best friend (the producers never heard of Harvey Dent?), the Riddler as a whining, goth Marilyn Manson clone, and Mr. Freeze as a common thief. Somehow, Register managed to turn Batman into something that was even worse than his Teen Titans experiment. Meanwhile, back at Cartoon Network, where Register holds the title of vice president, Justice League Unlimited suddenly found its Saturday night 8:30 PM time slot changed to 9:00 PM, and then to 10:00 PM in the final season, which also saw several weeks between new episodes that were not only completed, but had already aired in other countries. None of this managed to hurt its ratings, but the show was not picked up for another season, anyway.

Jealous much, Sammy boy?

James Tucker, one of the very knowledgeable and talented producers of Justice League and Justice League Unlimited, went on to produce Sam Register's third series based on DC lore, the subpar Legion of Super Heroes cartoon. I gave LoSH a chance because of Tucker, but Register's influence was just too overwhelming for the series to do anything for me. Once again, the stories and dialogue were heavily dumbed down, but it seemed as though people may have finally begun to see through Register's act. LoSH only lasted two thirteen-episode seasons before being dropped, and Mattel couldn't get retailers to buy into a line of action figures based on the show. So this failure should spell doom for Register and his weak brand of entertainment, right? Apparently not, because now he's poised to plunge Batman even further into the depths of absurdity with his new project. He's bringing Tucker along, who says in this interview with Comic Book Resources that the show is, "more Batman as a superhero as opposed to Batman as a dark avenger." Also joining the show's staff is Matt Wayne, another superb talent from the Justice League Unlimited team (he was the story editor and wrote fantastic episodes like "Patriot Act" and "Alive", in addition to Hellboy Animated: Sword of Storms). They'll do the best they can with the material, just like they did with LoSH, but any team is only as good as its leader. Before Sam Register is done, he'll have them cranking out one boring, simplistic, and sterilized episode after another.

If Register ever wants to see how a show for the youngest of audiences should be produced, he should try taking lessons from Paul Dini's Krypto The Superdog. Fortunately for the Last Dog of Krpyton, Sander Schwartz served as executive producer. Even though Register was involved in his capacity as VP at Cartoon Network, he didn't have his fangs firmly implanted in its throat.

Sam Register Thinks Your Kids Are Stupid