Tuesday, March 08, 2011

The Hard Truth About Comic and Toy Geeks

Back in 2004, Chris Rock recorded his Grammy-winning Never Scared album and HBO special in Washington, D.C. He spent some time joking about relationships and women in particular, but when I listen to his jokes, I can't help hearing the whining voices of comic fans and toy collectors instead. And since it's Chris Rock in the video, it's probably not safe for your office.


Just substitute collectors or fans for women and tell me you don't hear a familiar tune. Any rational fan who takes time out of his/her day to talk toys on the interweb will soon begin to suspect that those of us who actually enjoy our hobby are in the minority. And forget about comic book fans, who so often come off more as detractors than fans. I'm not so sure that the guys and gals having fun really are a minority, but the people having anything but fun are certainly loud enough to drown out everyone else at times. The hard truth about comic and toy geeks is that many are more interested in collecting reasons to complain than collecting, you know, comics and toys.

Why did DC kill so-and-so? They're always killing my favorite characters! I hate this shit!

Why did Marvel bring so-and-so back to life? Why can't they leave dead characters dead? I hate this shit!

Why are there so many different covers that I don't even have to buy? They're so greedy. I hate this shit!

Why do I have to buy so many books just to keep up with the continuity? I can't afford all this. All they care about is money. I hate this shit!

Why do they release so many books that don't affect the larger continuity? I don't want to read anything that's not important. I hate this shit!

Why does Hasbro reuse so many parts and release so many repaints I'm in no way obligated to purchase? I hate this shit!

Why doesn't Mattel make more new characters with existing tooling? I hate this shit!

I went to the store and some scalper had already bought all the new figures. Why can't they leave some of what they want to buy and got to first for other people? I hate this shit!

Why doesn't my comic book store have more back issues? I don't want to look at toys and statues. I hate this shit!

Why does my comic book store waste so much space on back issues? I'll buy trades if I want to read old ass stories. I hate this shit!

Why is so-and-so writing Superman? He doesn't know how to write Superman! I hate this shit!

Why is this web site covering independent titles? I'm not interested in books that aren't about superheroes. I hate this shit!

Why doesn't my store always have what I want in stock when I walk into the toy aisles? Hasbro and/or Mattel suck! I hate this shit!

Why does Hasbro short-pack the army builders? I'm sick of never finding the twenty of one figure that I want at the first store I check. I hate this shit!

Why does Hasbro put so many army builders in one case? I'm sick of seeing them clogging up the pegs. I hate this shit!

Why do Mattel's figures have so little articulation? I can't put my toys in ballet poses if the toes aren't articulated. I hate this shit!

Why do Hasbro's figures have so much articulation? All these joints are confusing me. I hate this shit!

Why doesn't Mattel pack more accessories with their figures? Why can't we get a little value for our money? I hate this shit!

Why does Hasbro pack so many accessories with their figures? They come with more than they can hold or carry. I can't stand having display options or getting more value. I hate this shit!

Why is this artist drawing Batman? His style is too cartoony. I hate this shit!

Why is this artist drawing X-Men? Her style is too realistic. I hate this shit!

Why is what I want a convention exclusive? Why can't I get all the same things everyone else gets without so much as getting off my ass? I hate this shit!

Why does Hasbro charge so much for new vehicles? I'm waiting for these to go on clearance before I buy them. I hate this shit!

Why doesn't Mattel make more vehicles for the few of us who will actually pay full price for them? I hate this shit!

Why do toys cost so much now? Why should I have to pay for the rising cost of labor and materials? They should eat that and make less profit. I hate this shit!

Why aren't these toys painted and assembled perfectly every time? They should all be made in America without increasing prices. I hate this shit!

Why was my favorite comic that I illegally downloaded every month canceled? I hate this shit!

Why is my favorite action figure line ending five years after the final episode of its corresponding cartoon aired? I hate this shit!

And so on, and so on, and so on, ad nauseam.