Luke Skywalker Wasn't Much Of A Jedi

Today marks the tenth anniversary of ArtoosNews.com. While it was around, R2N was my favorite STAR WARS collecting site, but it only lasted a few years (that's okay, though, because we have YodasNews.com now). In honor of its anniversary, here's a (slightly edited) copy of a post I authored on the site's forum back in 2002. Hope you're doing well, Travis!

"Luke's just not a farmer, Owen. He has too much of his father in him." - Beru Lars

Did he? Did he really have too much of his father in him? His father was an arrogant Jedi apprentice, and if anything, he was too confident in his abilities. The closest Luke ever came to being cocky, despite Han Solo's comments in A New Hope, was when he ran off to face Vader before completing his training. That was more stupidity than anything else. It was always, "I can't do this. I can't do that. It's impossible." Anakin seemed completely different. You never saw Luke jumping out of a speeder thousands of feet in the air! Anakin went out and did his thing. The kid was like nine years old, flying starfighters in space battles, podracing, and even building his own racer. He was a slave, but he kept a positive attitude. Luke is like twenty years old, and he thinks he has it bad working on his uncle's farm.

"But I was going into Toshi Station to pick up some power converters." - Luke Skywalker

You ever want to just smack someone? Why didn't Owen just backhand Luke and put him in his place? Ungrateful little desert hick, he should have been thankful that this farmer, to whom he wasn't even really related, had taken him into his home. But no, not Luke. He has to complain about everything. People say that Jar Jar is annoying, but Jar Jar can't touch Luke.

"I can't get involved. I've got work to do." - Luke Skywalker

The film could have easily been titled Star Whines with this guy. What did Obi-Wan even see in him? How did he peg this kid for Jedi material? After seeing cats like Mace Windu in action, not to mention young Obi-Wan and a younger Yoda, exactly what did he think this kid was capable of becoming? He never accomplished anything remotely close to what we have seen the Jedi do in the prequels. Leia seemed like a much better candidate. She was strong, independent, and fearless. Luke was a whiny, obnoxious pain in the ass.

"I warn you not to underestimate my powers." - Luke Skywalker

What powers? When Darth Maul is backing away from Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon, he uses the Force to lift some crate and smash it into the control panel to open a door. What does Luke do when Jabba drops him into the Rancor pit? He throws a skull at the control panel. Granted, it was a throw that would have made Dan Marino proud, but come on, man. Powers? Give me a break. It was just a nice toss.

"You want the impossible." - Luke Skywalker

After all the things to which Luke had been witness...

Ben teaching him the ways of the Force, using the Force to control the minds of the Stormtroopers, and guiding Luke when he himself used the Force to drop a bomb right up the gut of the first Death Star, all without the aid of a targeting computer... Why was lifting an X-Wing so impossible? You never see Anakin display that attitude. Anakin is the exact opposite, which is why I liked him better. Luke was always waiting to get kicked around, never really getting the whole Jedi thing down. Anakin would jump right into the thick of the shit without giving it a second thought. The only times you really see him hesitate are 1) when he's trying to decide if he's going to side with Palpatine or the Jedi and 2) when he has to slice up a bunch of little kids.

"With the blast shield down I can't even see. How am I supposed to fight?" - Luke Skywalker

Can you see Obi-Wan acting that way during his training? Qui-Gon? Mace? I can't even see Anakin acting like that. He grew up being able to, "see things before they happen," remember? He would have been all about fighting the remote without his vision. What about the Bear Clan? You think those little kids would have whined to Yoda? No way. They would have done what they were told. Luke just complained. All the time.

"Luke's crazy. He can't even take care of himself, much less rescue anybody." - Han Solo

Good thing Han Solo was around to take care of Luke, seeing as how the little punk was always trying to get himself killed. Being tracked down by Vader's ship is one thing, because we all know that Vader is an excellent pilot. In The Empire Strikes Back, however, Luke almost gets taken out by the STAR WARS equivalent of a polar bear. Luke can't use the Force to sense this big Wampa walking up behind him? Anakin and Obi-Wan were in deep conversation when they both sensed the little assassin slugs in the next room. Not only was Luke a punk, but he wasn't too sharp, either. So this Wampa grabs him and freezes him to the roof of his cave. Luke looks as if he is going to have an aneurysm just using the Force to grab his lightsaber. What a joke... He dies if Han doesn't show up to save him.

"An elegant weapon for a more civilized time. For over a thousand generations, the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic. Before the dark times, before the Empire." - Obi-Wan Kenobi

Look at the way the Jedi conduct themselves in the Old Republic. Even Anakin, who began life as a slave and eventually becomes Darth Vader, is a sophisticated, talented young gentleman. Luke never displayed any of those qualities, but I was happy for Luke when he started to beat Vader down in Return Of The Jedi. He was winning, and he could have finished him, had he chosen to do so. But then the Emperor put Luke in his proper place: lying on his back, screaming like a bitch. Luke is a goner at this point, but once Again, someone comes along to save this pathetic, sorry excuse for a Jedi. He just sliced off Vader's hand, so for all he knows, the Dark Lord of the Sith wants to watch him fry. But Anakin Skywalker found something he had lost, something he didn't even know still existed: his humanity. He sacrifices himself to save his son, and Luke Skywalker Forrest Gumps his way through another adventure.

Luke Skywalker: "So, what do you think of her, Han?"
Han Solo: "I'm tryin' not to, kid."
Luke Skywalker: "Good."
Han Solo: "Still, she's gotta lot of spirit. I don't know, whaddya think? You think a princess and a guy like me--"
Luke Skywalker: "No."

What the hell? How Force-sensitive could Luke have been? He was falling for his sister! He kissed his sister! If that doesn't leave a foul taste in your mouth, I don't know what will. All the whining, all the shortcomings, all the less-than-impressive Jedi skills, it could all be forgiven. You just don't make out with your sister, though.

No, Luke wasn't much of a Jedi. I know a lot of people don't much care for the prequels, but personally, I'm happy that George Lucas gave us a taste of what Jedi were supposed to be. I'm glad we got a sample of what Obi-Wan was talking about on Tatooine, when he was telling Luke about the Old Republic and the Jedi Knights protecting the galaxy. And I'm glad that Luke didn't have to be in those films.

Really, Hasbro? Really?

C'mon, Hasbro. Get the fuck outta here with that shit, son.

"Best Picture" Doesn't Mean A Lot These Days

Not when something as mediocre as District 9 can get nominated for it, anyway. If the Academy was going to expand the category to ten nominations, one might think that would open the door for more quality films to be included. One would be incorrect, but one might think it. No, all it meant was that a movie as forgettable as District 9 makes the cut. Here are the nominations:

1. Avatar
2. The Blind Side
3. District 9
4. An Education
5. The Hurt Locker
6. Inglourious Basterds
7. Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’
8. A Serious Man
9. Up
10. Up in the Air

Can you name ten movies from 2009 that were better than District 9, but didn't get nominated? I can.

1. Zombieland
2. Watchmen
3. Terminator: Salvation
4. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3
5. Taken
6. Star Trek
7. Public Enemies
8. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
9. The Hangover
10. G.I. JOE: The Rise Of Cobra

I can think of at least five movies from 2009 that I haven't even seen yet, but I'd wager good money on all of them being better than District 9.

1. Where the Wild Things Are
2. State of Play
3. Sherlock Holmes
4. The Men Who Stare at Goats
5. The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

And keep in mind that Smurfs 3D has a nomination this year, but The Dark Knight was not nominated last year. Are the members voting to nominate the movies or the heavy-handed metaphors? Seriously, what are they watching?

Update from February 13, 2010: Add I Love You, Man to the list of 2009's movies that were better than District 9.

Snow Day

The snow we got last night and this morning provided me with an occasion to open the Ice Viper figure I packed away after buying it four or five months ago. I took it and a H.I.S.S. out front for some photos this morning:


Not everyone had as much fun in the snow as we did. In fact, someone seems to have lost something rather important.


Darby had plenty of fun, though. She went out to play in the yard a few times, and we took a walk around the neighborhood so she could run around several other yards, too.


Here she is patrolling the backyard and checking out the snow.

You Are Easily Entertained

I could be talking about lots of people right now, from the millions who watch American Idol (or any other "reality" show) every week to the people who keep prattling on about how great Avatar is. I could be talking about the few zhlobs who are still willing to admit they loved The Matrix, or I could be referring to the masochists who keep buying tickets to Brett Ratner and Roland Emmerich movies. They're not the subject of this post, though. I'm talking to you today, the genre animation fan.

Yes, you. The fan who settled for The Batman after nearly a decade-and-a-half of Batman: The Animated Series, Superman: The Animated Series, The New Batman Adventures, Batman Beyond, Justice League, and Justice League Unlimited. Now you're on the internet trying to convince people that Batman: The Brave And The Bold is a quality series. Deep down, I think you really know better. Even though you say it's a "fun" show, I think you realize how bad it is, even if you won't admit it (not even to yourself).

And yes, I'm also talking to you, the Transformers Animated fan. I guess you were just desperate for anything that even resembled the Robots In Disguise you remember from the '80s after that disaster of a "film" Michael Bay delivered. Look, I get it. I've been there before. I've known the abject disappointment that comes with being a huge fan of a particular property that gets butchered by some hack with studio backing. Tim Burton's Batman, anyone? It doesn't mean you have to embrace something that happens to not suck quite as hard and pretend like it has any real merit. You hear any Detroit Lions fans talking about how great the team was in 2009 because they didn't lose every game? No, you don't. That's because even Lions fans aren't as self-deceiving as you.

And yes, I'm talking to you most of all, G.I. JOE: Resolute fans. Talk about drinking the proverbial fucking Kool-Aid. A preview was shown in San Diego, and the clip included some actual violence. You were so excited! It was announced that this new web series would be a more grown-up JOE, and you could barely keep your panties dry. Warren Ellis was announced as the writer, and there was much rejoicing. And then Resolute was released, bit by bit, on the internet before airing in its entirety on [adult swim], and...

It was boring. It was weak. It was tired, stale, and unoriginal. It was nothing special. In fact, it was pretty goddamn bad. But you just couldn't admit it. Why? Are you living in denial? No, you're just easily entertained. And that's okay. Lots of people enjoy subpar entertainment, but you haven't even figured out that you're one of them. In fact, you go out of your way to convince yourself (and everyone who will pay attention to you) that you're not. That is where you're in denial. You keep going on and on about how "great" this stuff is, the amazing "quality" of the writing (which was absolutely the worst of Ellis' career), and how it was, "stunning," "groundbreaking," "brilliant," and several other adjectives (these were pulled from actual comments across various sites) that have no business being associated with this piece of shit.

Because that's exactly what it was, a piece of shit, at least in terms of storytelling. And there's a trend here, one that reaches deeper than simply cartoons based on popular characters from toy lines and comic books. That trend is Sam Register. I knew he operated under the assumption that animation has to be dumbed down for the lowest common denominator in order to appeal to children, but I didn't know he felt the same way about adults until I saw Resolute. Rather than reject this notion when your intelligence was insulted with this garbage, however, you did those of us who appreciate top-notch fiction with our animation a tremendous disservice by not only accepting it, but actually lavishing praise on this halfhearted effort.

So not only are you easily entertained, but you're also bad for the medium, and that's the real shame of the matter.

Changes To eBay Fees Coming This Spring

Read the announcement here. Personally, I like the new fee structure for auction-style listings. I already start most of mine at 99¢, and the .25% Final Value Fee increase for items that sell for $25 or less is a good trade-off, because I'll only have to pay it if the item sells. I'm sure I'll feel differently when I sell items that end over the $25 mark, but what are you going to do? No other site offers you the exposure eBay does.

That won't stop the usual chorus of bitching and whining that accompanies every change to eBay policy ever, though. People on OAI web sites are already claiming they'll take their ball and go home. Rather than waste time repeating myself, I'll just refer you to what I said back in August of 2008.

Via @terrordrome

Zartan: Getting More From The Rise Of Cobra Bonus

While I enjoyed G.I. JOE: The Rise Of Cobra more than a lot of fans, there were definitely things I believe should have been handled differently. The movie was not without its flaws, and there were certainly shortcomings in the way the source material was interpreted, but I'm likely in the minority in believing they got more right than wrong. Having said that, one aspect of the film I thoroughly enjoyed was Arnold Vosloo's portrayal of Zartan. I felt like they nailed this character from top to bottom. Sure, I would have loved to see him in his cowl, but that wasn't nearly as important to me as his characterization, which I felt came very close to perfect. My only problem was that Hasbro neglected to release an undisguised figure in their movie line, choosing instead to release two versions in G.I. JOE MP uniforms.

I passed on the single-carded release over and over after the launch of the line, and only purchased one when I decided to use the body for my Law & Order. Not only was I unenthusiastic about the disguised figure, but I wasn't fond of the hair color. The Toys R Us Trooper five-pack that was released late last year, however, corrected that second problem with darker hair, so I decided to fill in the gap left by Hasbro.


This figure is simply the Zartan head from Toys R Us G.I. JOE five-pack on the body of the Duke figure (sans the leg harness) from the same retailer's Cobra five-pack (25th Anniversary Snake-Eyes torso, 25th Gung-Ho legs, and Modern Era Airborne arms), armed with the M.A.R.S. Industries Officer's knife from the same Cobra five-pack.

Zartan: Getting More From The Rise Of Cobra Bonus

Night Stalkers: Getting More From The Rise Of Cobra Part V

If there's one thing the 25th Anniversary and Modern Era G.I. JOE lines needed, aside from specific characters on my personal list of wants, it's more females. The original five-packs released in 2007 included Scarlett and the Baroness. Since then, Hasbro has released only one additional female character, Lady Jaye, followed by two more versions of Scarlett, three more Baroness figures, and two more Lady Jaye figures. Cover Girl, Jinx, and Zarana are still waiting for their turns.

With the launch of The Rise Of Cobra line, Cover Girl finally got some love, but this was based on the likeness of Karolina Kurkova, not the Courtney Krieger we all remember from 1983. It also brought the introduction of a brand new character, Agent Helix, which was definitely a welcome addition. I'm always down for new female characters in the property. Reusing her head sculpt, Hasbro released a 2009 version of Dialtone. This wasn't the Jack Morelli Dial-Tone from '86, but Jill Morelli, a female comm specialist using a nearly identical code name. The movie line also included two versions each of Rachel Nichols' Scarlett and Sienna Miller's Baroness.

Just like Marlon Wayans and Saïd Taghmaoui became my unmasked Iron Grenadiers, I had something other than Scarlett and the Baroness in mind for these movie figures. With no female army builders available for Cobra, and no hint of any being part of Hasbro's plans for the future, these releases presented an opportunity. I was a big fan of one element of the 2007 G.I. JOE Convention exclusive set, so I set out to create a 25th/Modern-style update to the concept.

I already had a Scarlett head from the body I used to create my ROC/DDP-style Jinx, and I bought the "Paris Pursuit" Baroness figure with the intention of using her for something other than Baroness. I wasn't sure exactly what I would do with her at the time, but it was a great figure, so I was certain to come up with something. After picking up the Toys R Us five-pack with Dialtone, I decided to grab two more "Paris Pursuit" Baroness figures and a Cover Girl. With a brunette, a blonde, and a redhead, I now had all the necessary ingredients for a set of Night Stalkers.


Looking at the different ways I've incorporated The Rise Of Cobra toys into my 25th collection, this group is easily my favorite. Maybe it's a good thing for me that Hasbro hasn't produced any female army builders in Cobra uniforms, because I might spend myself into the poorhouse if they did. I had already bought the 2009 G.I. JOE five-pack (with Snake-Eyes, Flint, Lady Jaye, Shipwreck, and Hawk) to create my Female Viper Officer, and I would have painted several more if that version of Lady Jaye had seen a single-carded release. For now, though, the Night Stalkers will serve under the Baroness and bring a little diversity to the workplace on Cobra Island.


The Brunette Night Stalker is simply the "Paris Pursuit" Baroness body with a Dialtone head (originally used for Agent Helix), armed with two of Baroness' guns.


The Redhead Night Stalker uses the head from the "Desert Ambush" Scarlett, and she is armed with one of Baroness' guns.


The Blonde Night Stalker has Cover Girl's head and silver pistols. Cover Girl's head sits too low on the neck if you push it all the way down, but it's very easy to position it for a proper look, and it stays in place perfectly. For whatever reason, this head sculpt looks much better to me on this body than it did with the ROC JOE uniform. Maybe it's her facial expression; perhaps it's more fitting for a Cobra operative.

I'll post a bonus installment tomorrow with something different, a way to add something to your movie collection that Hasbro neglected to release.

Night Stalkers: Getting More From The Rise Of Cobra Part V

Unmasked Grenadiers: Getting More From The Rise Of Cobra Part IV

While I don't mind admitting that I enjoyed the movie interpretations of the characters, the Marlon Wayans Rip Cord and Saïd Taghmaoui Breaker had no place in my display of classic characters. With Hasbro's habit of reusing head sculpts in the 25th Anniversary and Modern lines, though, the best thing about actor likenesses was the introduction of more unique heads that I could use with my 25th figures (starring Channing Tatum as "Cobra Science Officer"). I bought The Rise Of Cobra Breaker and Rip Cord figures back in July for just this reason, although I did buy another Rip Cord for my movie display after seeing it at the theater. With these new heads, I decided to unmask Destro's personal troops, the Iron Grenadiers.


I wanted to include the IGs in my display, but without the helmets, to serve as a personal security team for Destro. The two on the right use the Flash and comic two-pack Hawk heads from the Firefly vs. G.I. JOE Troopers five pack; the two on the left use the ROC Breaker and Rip Cord heads.


This is my Iron Grenadier Officer, using the figure and stand from the Toys R Us three-pack, and carrying the M.A.R.S. case from the "Attack On The G.I. JOE PIT" Baroness figure.


Here's the Saïd Taghmaoui Iron Grenadier, using the figure from the comic book two-pack. I knew I had to do something about those red pistols, so after taking these photos, all four IGs have been equipped with MAC-10s from Marauder Gun-Runners.

Even though they weren't going to replace the '80s versions of Rip Cord and Breaker, their likenesses are still getting put to good use in my collection. We'll take a look at the female characters of the line tomorrow.

Unmasked Grenadiers: Getting More From The Rise Of Cobra Part IV

Law & Order: Getting More From The Rise Of Cobra Part III

One The Rise Of Cobra update to an off-screen character that I really liked was the release of Law & Order in the Toys R Us five-pack. The only problem, though, was that he was in a desert-specific uniform. I know the desert troops appeal to some people, but I have no interest in them at all. That's always been the case, too. I never even cared for Dusty as a kid. I was eager to add Law & Order to my collection, but I had to use another body.

Enter the single-carded Zartan figure from Wave 1 Collection 2 of the movie line. I passed on this figure before and after seeing the movie. I really enjoyed the character in the flick, but I didn't want a "disguised" version of Zartan (more on that later this week). Once I saw that Law was using the same body, but repainted with the desert camo scheme, I finally had a reason to buy one. This is simply Law's head (originally used for Dusty), helmet, and baton with the Zartan body. For me, the grey camo pattern makes for a much better MP figure in general. If he's going to be stationed at The PIT, he can save the desert gear until it's relocated to Utah.


G.I. JOE figures with animals have always been a big hit with me, so I dug Law & Order back in the '80s. I always thought the original figure looked goofy, though. It doesn't happen often, but I prefer this over a straight 25th-style release of the character.

Law & Order: Getting More From The Rise Of Cobra Part III

Cobra Science Officer: Getting More From The Rise Of Cobra Part II

One of the best movie figures from the G.I. JOE: The Rise Of Cobra line was Rex "The Doctor" Lewis, and I immediately decided I'd need a duplicate for my non-movie display when I first saw images of the toy. What I didn't know at the time was that a second version, a white coat variant, would be available later. Once that was revealed, I knew it was the one I wanted. Even a mad scientist like Dr. Mindbender needs someone to assist him in the lab with his research and experiments, so providing him with a lackey was the first idea that came to mind for this figure. It wouldn't do to stick with the Rex head, however, as that's too movie-specific for my tastes. This is one of those bodies with a shorter neck, though, so some heads would sit much too low on the figure.

Duke to the rescue!


Since there won't be any movie versions of Duke in my classics display, this ended up being a great match. It's just the white coat version of Rex with the Duke head from the Toys R Us Cobra ROC five-pack (originally used for the v33 "Desert Ambush" Duke figure). The final result is my Cobra Science Officer, ready to help Mindbender with his next sinister creation, and complete with a normal, non-Freddy-looking head. This body would also be great for a modern Dr. Venom custom, but with an exclusive figure coming soon from the G.I. JOE Collectors' Club, I'll wait for that and hope for a more classic look for our dearly departed Dr. Venom.

Cobra Science Officer: Getting More From The Rise Of Cobra Part II

Getting More From The Rise Of Cobra: Security Squad

I'll start by saying I'm a big fan of many items from Hasbro's The Rise Of Cobra line. There are great vehicles like the new Night Raven, the Cobra Gunship, the Steel Crusher A.P.V., and the Dragonhawk helicopter. I was happy to add some of the figures to my collection, as well. Night Adder is an instant classic and one of the coolest new characters introduced to the brand in years. Paris Pursuit Snake-Eyes, the PIT Commando, Rex "The Doctor" Lewis, and Flash were favorites, too. Don't forget the ROC repaints of the Night Creeper and Strato-Viper.

The unfortunate truth, however, is that most of the figures just don't fit in too well with the classic characters of the Modern/25th Anniversary line. Or they don't mesh right out of the package, anyway. A little mixing and matching can go a long way, though, and that will be my focus for the next few days. None of these will require any paint or tools. With a few simple tweaks like head swaps and gear exchanges, even the movie line's peg warming army builders (not-so-affectionately dubbed the "Turtle Vipers" by many G.I. JOE collectors) can work their way into a classic Cobra display. I'll start with those guys, and we'll see how cool these figures look under their "turtle" shells.


This first figure is a Neo-Viper from the Wal-Mart-exclusive Heetseek Missile System mini battle station. I simply removed the "turtle" chest armor, replaced the head with the blonde "Breaker" head from the Toys R Us Firefly vs. G.I. JOE Troopers five-pack, and armed him with a rifle from the PIT Commando figure.


The second figure is the Neo-Viper from the Target-exclusive Serpent Armor set. Once again, I removed the chest armor, swapped his head out for a Serpentor head, and armed him with a PIT Commando rifle.


The third figure is the Neo-Viper from the Toys R Us Cobra ROC five-pack. Same rifle, same head and armor removal, and this time he gets a Footloose head from the Toys R Us G.I. JOE ROC five-pack.


The fourth figure is just the M.A.R.S. Industries Officer from the Toys R Us Cobra ROC five-pack, sans the Resolute Cobra Trooper helmet. The Duke-in-disguise figure from that same set even came with the rifle I used for everyone else, so he gets the same weapon as his teammates.


What I ended up with is a new Cobra Security Squad, all without breaking out a screwdriver, a brush, or even a non-Hasbro weapon. In my mind, they're private contractors (think Blackwater) who patrol Cobra Island and report to Night Adder. In keeping with the snake theme, I'm thinking of referring to them as Lancehead Company.

Getting More From The Rise Of Cobra: Security Squad

Hit-Girl Kicks Ass!

Justice League: Crisis On Two Earths Trailer

Written by one of the best in the business, Dwayne McDuffie.

New Superman Cartoon In The Works?

Check out this Twitter update (yes, I call them "Twitter updates") from James Urbaniak, the voice actor behind Doctor Thaddeus Venture from The Venture Bros.

Quote: Have an audition for a Superman cartoon. Sadly not the title part.

Could this be a new series, or possibly another DTV release from Warner Premiere? We already know who's voicing the main characters in Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths (written by Dwayne McDuffie), which is scheduled for a spring release next year, so they're not auditioning for roles in that. One way or another, this means more new animation on the horizon for the Man of Steel, so stay tuned for more details.